


i think i've seen this film before

by lightthornn



Category: The Last Hours Series - Cassandra Clare
Genre: Feels, Heavy Angst, M/M, Pining, Sad, Thomas is sad, a sad idiot tho, ansgt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-12
Updated: 2021-02-12
Packaged: 2021-03-18 13:06:59
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,084
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29368977
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lightthornn/pseuds/lightthornn
Summary: Love was not supposed to hurt this much.For Thomas, he had always expected it to be light and happy, making him feel like he was on the top of the world.Oh, how wrong he was.
Relationships: Alastair Carstairs/Thomas Lightwood
Comments: 4
Kudos: 61





	i think i've seen this film before

Love, Thomas decided one evening, was not supposed to hurt this much. 

He wasn't supposed to spend nights awake, staring at the ceiling and wishing that he could shut off his feelings. 

Nor was he supposed to remember his mother crying whenever his mind trailed off to dark hair, eyes, and skin that he had always loved. Certainly, he wasn't supposed to be in love with someone he was supposed to hate. 

His mother had once told him that love and hate were not that different. After all, hate was often born out of love. 

And the thing was, he had so many reasons to hate him. Whenever he would see someone whispering when his father and the Consul would stand next to each other, or when Matthew had to snap at yet another person who had heard the many rumors. Those moments made it easy to want to hate Alastair Carstairs. 

Thomas though, had seen another side of him that few knew. He knew that Alastair was gentle, and he knew how he liked his coffee, and that he loved his sister and mother with everything in him. 

Could he forgive Alastair for the hammer he had brought down on his family?

That was a question for the ages, one that Thomas didn't know if he would ever know the answer to. Even now, as he stood across the room and saw Alastair standing by his sister, clearly looking for someone. 

Thomas had been sent to find drinks for the rest of the Merry Thieves, and now he was standing like a fool, his heart caught in his chest just like it always was when he found himself in the presence of Alastair. 

He hated it.

He hated that his heart belonged to someone who he should want to hide it from. 

Across the room, Alastair met his eyes and sparks danced across Thomas' skin.

He couldn't bring himself to turn around and go back to his friends. Couldn't help but want Alastair to walk over to him. 

Mercifully, or unmercifully, his wish was granted, and soon Alastair was standing in front of him. 

"Lightwood," Alastair greeted with a stiff nod.

"Carstairs," Thomas replied.

Alastair looked like he wanted to say a million things at once, and even opened and closed his mouth a few times before finally getting something out. "May I speak to you?" 

Thomas glanced around, almost expecting Matthew to show up and pull him away, like he usually did whenever he saw the two of them even speaking in the most friendly conversations. 

"We're speaking now," he noted. 

"Ah," Alastair said. "Perhaps in a more private setting?" 

Thomas wanted to say no. 

It turned out that saying no to Alastair was almost impossible. He nodded slowly, sure that he was making one of the biggest mistakes. One of the worst or the best was the question.

Alastair paused, as if he had never expected Thomas to actually agree. He turned around swiftly and crossed the room, with Thomas following him. Soon, they were in a small room. Clearly, it had once been a bedroom, but had not been used as one in a long time. 

"So, talk," Thomas said, crossing his arms and hoping against hope that Alastair couldn't tell how nervous he was, how much he just wanted to shove him against a wall and kiss him until they didn't have to worry about what had happened in the past and they only had to worry about what was happening now. 

Alastair took a deep breath. "I'm sorry. I know I've already said that, but I am. There are few things I regret more than what I did to your family. I should've never said them, and should've at least waited to find out if they were true or not. You deserved that, so did your parents," he paused, meeting Thomas' eyes. "I'm so, _so_ sorry, Thomas." 

Thomas wanted to say that he was forgiven. But how could he do that when he thought of the hurt Alastair had caused. 

"My mother has a hard enough time in this society," he said. "You made it worse." 

Alastair lightly closed his eyes, like he knew he deserved the words. 

"You said the unforgivable," Thomas said, wishing that his voice would just _stop shaking_. "And I see the good qualities in you. You're a good man, Alastair." 

"There's a 'but' at the end of that sentence." 

Thomas glanced down at his feet, wishing that he could deny it. He wasn't even sure what that but was. He only knew that he couldn't just forget everything that had been said. For a moment, he considered if it would be a better idea to rip his heart out onto the ground, wondering if that would hurt less than the words he had to say next, somehow, because he couldn't love someone who had caused his parents, the two best people in the world, any pain. 

"I can never forgive someone who made my mother weep." The words were a lie and the second they left his mouth, he wanted to take them back. 

But once words were said, they could never be unsaid. 

Hurt flashed across Alastair's face like a lighting bolt in the night sky, before he swallowed and adjusted his jacket. "Are you... are you sure?" 

_No._

"Yes." 

Thomas... really hoped that the shine in Alastair's eyes was from the light. 

"I shouldn't be surprised," Alastair said, sounding like it was hard for him to even get the words out, shove them between the two of them like a wall Thomas wanted to tear down. "I do not deserve your forgiveness." 

"You do deserve forgiveness. I... just cannot give it to you." 

"I know," Alastair said sadly. "That's alright." 

Thomas wanted to say something else- an apology of some kind, but before he knew it, Alastair was leaving, tears glimmering in his eyes and shutting the door softly, leaving Thomas alone. 

He found that there were tears in his own eyes, and he leaned against the wall, ignoring Matthew outside, looking for him. 

He might as well have ripped his heart out when he had first thought about it. Thrown it to the wolves and let them have it. But no. It had left with Alastair, the part of his heart that had been given away. And he had turned it away. 

If he hadn't been certain before, he was now. 

Love had never been meant to hurt this much. 


End file.
